Greatness

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be great, awesome, naturally gifted at something. To be able to just do that thing without having to work at it to get there. A reality check reminds me that this isn't the case for most of the talent I witness on a daily basis. I completely understand and respect the amount of learning, practicing, failures and repeated attempts that come to most people before their talents are realized by others as greatness. Even then, that person tends to push themselves to be even better. They have a drive to consistently improve their skill.

When I assess myself honestly in regards to that drive - that passion - that is needed to be great at something; I see a lack of a very specific and necessary characteristic. I lack the drive to improve.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who has been posed the question: If you could do whatever you wanted, regardless of money or time, and be fully supported in your endeavors; what would you do?

I've never been able to answer that for myself. I don't have a passion that speaks so strongly, so loudly in my heart, that life would be just AWESOME as long as I was doing it. I wonder if my lack of passion stems from fear of failing or from not pushing through the frustration of failure along the way. Maybe I LOVE art. I collect art supplies, gather ideas, store sketch notes and project ideas with the intention that *someday* I will turn them into reality. Years ago I would write poems, short stories, and song melodies. Maybe I LOVE music. I hear songs on the radio and think, "I want to DO that!". I imagine myself on a stage playing a song for a crowd or laughing and having fun while entertaining friends. It's a very "rose colored glasses" scene (Something to note here: I generally don't like the focus on me. WHY I daydream of being the center of attention is beyond me but there it is.) There is a commonality within these two things; music and art both allow for the creation of something. Maybe I LOVE to create. I get lost in time when building programs, craft projects, posters, taking photos for a specific concept, or building something with my hands. Is that the thing I would do if I could be fully supported? I don't know. It's scary to say "this is the thing I LOVE" because what if I'm never good enough to measure up to my own standards of what that thing should be? Failure is scary.

I wonder about how many opportunities or experiences I've turned down or tuned out because I was afraid to fail. It's easy to assert that I will dare to push myself but quite another to remember to actually do it before the default ego says "no".

I don't really know where I'm going with this. It's nearly midnight and I'm tired and rambling. This started out as a status update on Facebook before I realized I was typing a paragraph and moved over here to hash it out instead. I don't have a solution. The obvious solution is to just do it. Just dare to fail and fail and fail until that moment arrives where I realize I'm not failing anymore and I enjoyed the failures of my passionate talents just as much as I enjoy the successes of my non-passionate talents.

The obvious isn't easy. The obvious is a frightening venture.

The Little Things

I referred to Sweetie as "my partner" during a conversation with a client the other day. It felt weird but easy all at once. They might not have understood the context but I didn't leave the conversation feeling like I'd crept into the closet again - which is what I usually do. When it comes to work, I'm just not sure how to navigate conversations that steer into my personal life. Something as simple as discussing a popular television  show can become a mental obstacle to overcome.

Client: "Did you watch Dancing With The Stars last night? I don't know who got voted off yet and it's bugging me."

Me: "I don't know because I don't watch it regularly, but my partner does, and she always votes for that geeky looking guy with blonde hair and glasses. I don't know his name but I hope he's not the one that got voted off because she seems to like him."

My normal reaction: "I don't know. I don't watch it really."

Which is more engaging?

Sometimes I'll just refer to her as "a friend" which is heart breaking and feels like a lie: "I don't watch it regularly but a friend of mine does (heart sinking), and she always votes for [...]".

It's not a lie, of course. She is a friend. She's my best friend. She's also much more than that and it feels wrong to imply otherwise.

I have referred to her as my fiancee before but that just muddies the waters further, because then they want to ask about all the details of the man in my life.

I think I've even referred to her as my girlfriend a few times - which seems silly after 11 years, LOL. 

Plenty of people have suggested I just call her my wife even though we aren't married. Those same people tell us that we're "basically already like a married couple" even if it didn't happen through a ceremony - legal or not. Call me a stickler for details, but we aren't married. I'm not calling her my wife until we are. In my perspective, it's like addressing someone with the title Doctor just because they've been going to med school for four years. We haven't taken the oath yet. There is no legal binding, there is no financial binding, there is no religious binding. We will eventually take those vows and, ideally, they will be taken in the state we live in AND be honored by the law of our state and nation.

I've never, until this recent conversation, referred to her as my partner. We don't like the term. It sounds like a business deal or a sporting duo. However, it seems as though that's the only term that really works for now.

So often, I find myself clamming up on conversations with clients when they turn outside of business matters because I'm not sure how to talk about my life without referring to Sweetie's involvement in it. Sometimes I manage to come up with responses, most times I refer to her as a friend, sometime I just use the "we" and "our" pronouns without explanation, and sometimes I just start talking about her by name without explaining her relationship to me - and no one ever asks. The other day I referred to her as my partner. I look forward with great anticipation for the day I can refer to her as my wife (in the sense of a federally honored and legal wife) and just be done with all of this label and pronoun nonsense.

Side Note:

I'm pretty sure my mom reads this blog. I feel a little contradictory admitting what I have in this post because within the last year or so, my mother and I had a heart-to-heart about how much it hurt my feelings when Sweetie was introduced at family functions as my friend or roommate. Here I am, struggling to do the same thing but in a job setting as opposed to a family setting. My mom has started introducing Sweetie at family functions as my partner. I know this is a huge thing for her and it never goes unnoticed by me, always makes my heart swell up to my eyeballs, even though I try to be cool and natural about it. My mother is pretty awesome, yeah?

Anyway, if she can do it - I can too. 

How Our Dog Got Us Hooked On Walking

Sweetie and I started walking in March of 2012. Our dog, Max, needed an energy outlet. He cannot visit dog parks because he is not dog friendly. We decided we’d walk him around our neighborhood - generally not more than a mile or two. It wasn't ideal. There are no sidewalks, almost every other house has a dog in a fenced yard, and we encountered at least one loose dog on every walk – some more obedient to “stay” and big arm flapping than others. We changed our route a few times to no avail. Loose dogs were popping out everywhere (usually from someone’s front porch, *sigh*). This was especially frustrating because we live in a city with a leash law and these loose dog owners didn't seem to understand that it had nothing to do with their "friendly" dog and more to do with our not-so-friendly dog. "Oh, don't worry! He's friendly! He just wants to play!" GRRRR ...

Max was stressed. He loved his walks and got excited when we got his leash, but he’d start whining as soon as we started walking. He was tense and ready to lunge at everything. This was not what we wanted for him. We wanted him to burn energy, not be frightened every step of the way. In August, about 5 months in, Max injured his back. There’s no absolute way to know exactly how it happened, but we were certain that the constant lunging and barrel rolls at the end of his leash were not helping. He was on bed rest for a week.
Sweetie and I decided to start trying out other trails around town while Max was resting. This way, we could find out if it would work for him without the stress of finding out *with* him if it wasn't going to work. We walked a different trail every day of the week and found 2 do-able locations.

One was only an eighth of a mile so it would work great to ease him back into walking again. It was small enough that we would be able to see upon pulling up to the lot whether there was another dog there.
The other was a half-mile, so also short, but with hills. Ironically enough, it was right next to a dog park. This actually worked out to our favor because any dogs that came to that area were going to the park, not the trail. We were dog-free 90% of the time. It was sketchy though. Neither of us really wanted the other walking out there alone.

The week after Max had begun walking again, I had a work trip and Sweetie would be walking him on her own. She was texting me before and after each walk so I knew she was okay. One day, she didn't feel comfortable going to either of the trails and decided to try another one we’d talked about but hadn't previewed yet. That was Little Blue Trace Trail. I was very upset that she tried that alone, not knowing what kind of loose dogs she might encounter or what the clientele was like in that area. However, it turned out okay. They did encounter a few other dogs that were on leashes walking with their owners but the trail offers a wide strip of grass on either side of the pavement so she was able to give ample space.

From Facebook user that tagged the trail

When I returned from my work trip, we decided to take the trail that went in the opposite direction. Little Blue Trace Trail is 14 miles. The mile marker posts start at #1 out of the city, dare I say – the country, and the trail weaves its way to an end near a shopping center. Sweetie had started at the end, near the shopping center, on the paved section. We read some reviews from cyclists on the trail that there were less dog walkers and baby strollers further from the shopping center, on the crushed limestone surface. We figured it was worth a shot. It was probably the best decision we’d ever made. We have been walking on Little Blue Trace Trail ever since.

Native wildflowers

On support under the bridge From Facebook user that tagged the trail

From Facebook user that tagged the trail

This trail is beautiful! The short 2 - 3 mile section that we started with is close to civilization but you wouldn't know it unless you sat quietly and listened. There are mini-forests of trees and wild grasses lining either side of the trail. When there aren't trees, there’s a wide expanse of native grasses or neighboring farming fields. You get the impression that you really are taking a walk out into the country. We saw deer within 10 feet of us, more squirrels than warrant counting, blue birds, cardinals, eagles, hawks, cranes, and turkeys. That was actually the first time I’d ever seen a wild turkey!

This was not the deer within 10 feet.
They tend to stand still longer
the further away they are.

About a month after starting this trail, we decided to see what laid further out from our 2 mile marker. We eventually went from parking lot to parking lot (4.84 miles). Then we decided to drive a little further and start at the parking lot we’d walked to. It wasn't our favorite. There’s a sporting field complex along that section of trail which brought some trash and not as much nature. There was even a loose dog that was playing fetch with its owner in an unused soccer field.

In November it started getting dark before I got home from work so Sweetie was walking Max on her own again. They began exploring the trail further and further out. She was sending me beautiful pictures of mini-waterfalls and long expanses of grass fields.  I would walk with them on Sundays if the weather cooperated. I was up for going wherever they wanted to take me and for however long they wanted. I’m not great when it comes to jogging or running, but I can walk pretty much all day as long if I have the right shoes. At some point while I was gone, they improved their pace to about 3 mph, which is more of a speed walk that I wasn't ready for but that’s a different post.


Cue January.

The weather this year has been ridiculous! We've even had thunder snow! I didn't believe that was a real thing until it happened. It’s warm, it’s cold, it’s windy, it’s balmy, it's below freezing, it's in the 50's. Sometimes all in the span of one day, LOL!

We think the railroad is an abandoned one
but neither of us can figure it out for certain.
Still, it's beautiful!

Sweetie has declared 40-50, sunny, with a light-to-no breeze as the perfect walking conditions. I agree completely. Last Sunday (Jan 27th), I came home from work around 1:30 and immediately changed into walking shoes, exercise pants, a tshirt, and hoodie to go on a walk with Max & Sweetie. She suggested the trail section she'd just walked the prior week and I agreed. When we got there, I changed my mind and suggested we walk the opposite direction and explore more. We were 5 miles from the beginning of the trail. Neither of us were up for a 10-mile round trip walk but it sure was temping being that close! There were more structural beauties on this stretch of the trail. Abandoned rail power stations, bridges, and the overpass like you see in the above picture. About a mile in, I took off my hoodie and tied it around my waist. I couldn't believe it. Short sleeves in January! Missouri weather was officially INSANE! It had been in the low 20's just two days prior - and it was snowing two days later. *sigh*

If it weren't for Max, we wouldn't have been likely to explore trails. If we hadn't found this trail, walks wouldn't be nearly as peaceful and pleasurable as they are and we probably wouldn't mind as much missing them. These walks are both energizing and calming. They seem to help center us. When we walk together, it's an opportunity for us to just BE together. I love our walks and I love that our dog is who got us hooked on them!

#365 Day Projects - January update

I was going to update on a weekly basis in an attempt to keep myself accountable. I obviously didn't. So instead, I'm updating now.

I've been doing well with the #365BODY portion of the project. I was sick for 3 days and didn't do anything - not even meditation - so a bit of a fail on that one but otherwise I've stuck with it. It helps that I'm doing the Insanity workout program again. Sweetie and I walk together whenever we can as well. I love that the Missouri weather is holding nicely in the 30-40 degree range!

As for the other portions of the project (#365MIND and #365SPIRIT), I'm lacking considerably. I am reading *most* days but I feel like I'm cheating to consider it as a step forward to increase my knowledge. I am going to change #365MIND to consist of one chapter a day of Anna Karenina. It's completely do-able and the reading is difficult enough to make my brain work even though it's an enjoyable story line. 

I have no reasoning or excuses for falling off the wagon with playing a musical instrument. I mean, come on, it's freaking 5 minutes a day! Still, I haven't played at all for about 2 weeks now. I think I played seven days in a row and then just quit. I didn't intentionally quit. One day I just noticed that I hadn't done it in awhile and I didn't want to. *sigh*

So where do I go from here? 

I think I pick up and try again. I'll try to update on Sundays about my progress. Hopefully I'll have some accomplishments to share rather than woes of falling out of practice. 

Monday is the 2nd Fit Test for the Insanity workout program. I will try to update my results with a comparison summary from the 1st Fit Test. 

Please let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions for sticking with this! 

#365 Day Projects

Jules over at Pancakes & French Fries planted a bug in my brain to do a 365 day project. She broke hers into 3 sections: Mind, Body, and Spirit. 

I spent the first day of 2013 pondering what I wanted most to improve about myself that wasn't superficial. I've had the same goals every year for about 5 years or so and they never work out. This is not due to the fact that they are unattainable. I honestly can't pinpoint an exact reason why I let them fall to the wayside but I decided maybe it was time to try something different. I will keep the intentions on goals of years' past, simply because they are, realistically, something I should be doing anyway. In addition to continuing to work on those goals though, I am embarking on my own version of Mind/Body/Spirit. I will be using the Instagram hash tagging as accountability. My user name on Instagram is shainarue. 

#365MIND / #365BODY / #365SPIRIT

#365MIND: At least 5 minutes a day increasing my knowledge in some way or reading. I threw reading in there because I'll be honest, some days my brain is just too exhausted to think. I will likely always spend much more than 5 minutes but on those days when it's hard to focus on anything, 5 minutes seems like an attainable goal.

#365BODY: At least 5 minutes a day exercising and/or meditating. I will be starting the Insanity workout program on January 13th, and hopefully this project will keep me active when that program ends in early March. Again, 5 minutes because there are those days when it's just hard to sit up, and I don't want any excuses available for failure.

#365SPIRIT: At least 5 minutes a day playing any instrument. This was a tough one for me to pin down. Music feeds my soul. I remember a time when I would get lost in hours of playing guitar or piano, and felt so renewed. I haven't touched my guitar in almost 2 years, and only played about an hour total on the piano in as much time.

So here I go! I'll be working toward self-improvement a bare minimum of 15 minutes every day.

September

Let me start by stating that I'm not usually one to gripe and complain. I'm also not one who believes that people should never do so. I do believe that our thoughts and words make our reality. I don't believe that stifling or twisting what is a true emotion at that given point in time is any more or less healthy than letting it out.

That said, September has been a funky roller coaster month for me. I've slacked on being assertive in scheduling time with friends (although that does work both ways). I haven't gotten past step one on the Fly Lady program (Shine Your Sink). I haven't volunteered at Harvester's. I've been stressed about finances. I have been irritated more often than not. This is not to say I haven't had joyous, even elated, moments.

I have had laugh-out-loud moments. I've had moments of childlike abandon and fun. Sweetie got some unexpected extra hours which eased some stress about finances. My church job paid for me to attend a conference so I could learn more about the sound board I use and its capabilities. I went on a work trip to Pennsylvania and got a real experience of what a "live install" should be like - and I really enjoyed every minute of it. I've been busier at the weekday job and I'm feeling productive. I ran into a friend at my bar job that I hadn't seen or heard from in 10 years and we talked and laughed for more than an hour. My cheeks hurt on the drive home from so much smiling and laughing.

It's been quite a month. Stress is a sensitive emotion. Ten minutes of stress can suck an hour's worth of joy into oblivion. A day's worth of wallowing in the emotions that come along with, or from, the stress can take a toll on the immune system. Then, I'm stressed and sick.

I was sick from Friday night through Tuesday evening. It was absolutely boring and irritating. I don't get paid sick leave from the weekend jobs so I probably made it worse by going in on those days. Luckily though, I do get paid sick leave from the weekday job so on Monday and Tuesday I did nothing but lay on the couch, make hot tea with lemon & honey, and sit on the patio in the sun. I am certain that the sun plays a part in healing me. If nothing else, it keeps me from getting so gloomy from sitting around all day long.

As a result of me laying around all week, the house is getting messy again. Thursday night I finally got to the bottom of the sink and wiped down the counters. So one thing is complete and that minor accomplishment actually made me feel great last night - rather than overwhelmed at what else lay ahead.

The 31-day William Morris Project starts Monday and I want the house as clean as I can get it before then. It's much easier to tackle an organizing/purging/renovating project when I'm not looking at a mess to begin with.

I thought about writing each of the projects from the list out on slips of paper and sorting them out by how much time they should take to complete. That way on the days when I only have about 30 minutes to do something, I can pick from the "quickie" pile. And on weekends when I have nothing else planned, I can pick from a 4-8 hour pile. I tend to over-categorize and over-organize and over-plan when I gear up for new projects.

Then I figured I'd just print the list and pin it to the wall instead. I can just as easily scan the list with my finger and decide what I have time to do. Making piles of projects to pick from is just making more work. Unnecessary work.

October is going to be a productive month for me. I can feel it. I'm going to be busy, the house is going to get cleaner and more organized, I'm going to be spending time with friends and I'm going to be happier.

Happy Autumn everyone!

Distracted

I apparently need to enter "Write Blog" into a schedule for the week. I recently decided to get back into the habit of a routine but "computer time" was not considered for the schedule of things to do each night. I don't know how long it takes others to write a decent post, but it takes me longer than an hour. Last month, an hour or more was not a problem because I wasn't doing anything besides sitting on the couch and ignoring our mess of a house. Now an hour seems unthinkable but breaking it up into pieces seems doable. I'll figure something out. When you notice regular posts you'll know that I've come up with a solution!

I have ideas pop into my head quite often of what to blog about but I don't write it down. I always think I'll remember but rarely do. Starting now, I will start noting those ideas in my phone for reference later.

The rest of September will be dedicated to creating a routine of housecleaning that becomes second nature. I'm already happier being in our house with the few things that I've started doing on a regular basis. I am looking forward to a clean house that can accept company at ANY time without worry of what our friends will think of our seemingly slovenly ways. I'm also looking forward to not going into marathon cleaning mode at the announcement of a surprise visit, but instead having the time to whip up a snack or beverage to offer when they get there. I'm using FlyLady to help me get back into that routine of cleaning since I've let it slide for so long that I can't just jump back into how I did it years ago.

Starting October 1st, I'll be posting every day because I'm participating in the second annual 31 Days of William Morris with Jules at Pancakes & French Fries.

William Morris' often quoted philosphy on interior design.

I made a list earlier this year of all the things both Sweetie and I wanted done around the house that I have created as a page linked to the side bar on the right. Quite a bit on that list is "Organize" and "Purge". I'll do my best to make every entry as entertaining as possible, but let's face it: sometimes an organized junk drawer is just not that exciting to read about.

By October 31st, I fully expect every room in our house to be both useful and beautiful. As an additional challenge, I plan to do all 31 days without spending money on the projects. Craigslist will be our friend!

I think November would be a good month to start a different series. I'm leaning toward art or music - both of which are pieces of me that I've buried over the years and often reminisce about. Art could easily be another daily series. I'll have to think more about a music one. I have a few ideas (30 instruments, 30 songs, 30 scales, 30 techniques) but haven't wrapped my head around how to make a post about them. Maybe YouTube?

So yes, I've been distracted but as you can see that is going to change.

Phenomenally Indecisive

Some of you who know me have experienced my indecisiveness. You know that when you invite me to a restaurant, I need enough notice to look over the menu. Like a couple days or so. If you impromptu invite me to a place for ice cream, and they have more than 4 flavors, you know there's a chance that I will take as much time choosing what flavor I'll eat as it takes you to finish your dish.

My parents learned early on that if they were taking us kids to Goodrich or Baskin Robbins,  they had to make me choose what I wanted before we arrived. I even got the threat, "If you haven't decided by the time we get there, you'll eat what we pick out," which wasn't really much of a threat considering I wasn't a picky kid. Actually, that's my problem with food decisions. Everything just sounds SO GOOD! Sometimes I ate what they picked out just because I couldn't bring myself to decide. The pressure was just too much!

Sweetie has found a helpful trick around this that works most of the time. If I can narrow it down to at least two or so choices, she will tell me to pick a number or a color. Like, "Red or Blue". Then I pick "Red" and she tells me what that color was assigned to. Sometimes, I'll realize what I really want during the process of picking a color. I'll think, "Oh, I hope "Red" is for the orange cream shake because that sounds really good all of a sudden." At which point I usually say, "Never mind, I chose what I wanted."

For those of you readers who don't know me, consider those scenarios as a little enlightenment.

This leads me to share a particularly extreme example of my indecisiveness that happened recently, along with a little insight as to what processes my brain goes through in those moments.

I'm at that particular time of the month when impulse control is low, patience is minimal, and indecisiveness is at an all-time high. This excellent (not really) emotional combo attacks exactly 2 days every month. Last night, unfortunately, Sweetie got the full brunt of it and I think she might believe me to have multiple personalities.

I was on my way home from a physically exhausting 2hrs of labor at the Harvester's Food Bank Warehouse and wanted a hot fudge sundae from Sonic. I thought I'd be nice and offer to pick up Sweetie on the way over so I called. She warned me she'd just learned that she would need some cash the next day for lunch but offered to get me a carton from the grocery store with our leftover grocery money. I agreed. We went to the grocery store and I couldn't for the life of me decide what flavor I wanted.

I take that back, I knew I wanted chocolate. But plain chocolate wasn't enough. I wanted chocolate with chocolate bits of stuff and chocolate coated stuff and chocolate ribbons of stuff. But then when I found that flavor, it still didn't jump at my brain as "YES!". So then I got irritated. I thought I knew what I wanted but I apparently really had no clue.

Some internal/external dialogue starts in at this point:

Brain: You probably just wanted to spend money. I mean really, how chocolaty is a hot fudge sundae anyway? You were all set to get two dinky little sundaes from a fast food place and spend $4 but you're balking at a $3 half-gallon of some supremely chocolaty concoction at the store?

Me: Grrrr

Sweetie: What's wrong? Get whatever you want! Look, there's a chocolate chip one over here. There's a chocolate and marshmallow. There's a rocky road. You like rocky road!

Me: Forget it. I think the impulse is gone. At this point, I'll just get the ice cream home and stick it in the freezer. I still have to shower and I'm tired. I want it now. I don't want to have to fix a dish of it once I get home.

Sweetie: We could stop at Baskin Robbins or Sonic on the way home.

After a couple more rubber band decisions, I agreed and we headed for the checkout. While standing there, I grabbed a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup and a stick of Starbursts for us to share. On the way to the car, Sweetie asked if I knew what I was getting. I gave her my exasperated questioning look.

Sweetie: You wanted to go to Baskin Robbins right? Chocolate something? Or do you want Sonic now? Isn't that what you wanted in the first place? Or was the candy enough?

Me: Grrrr. Yes, I wanted Sonic when I was passing it in my car and I thought I'd just swing through and have an instantly gratifying chocolate fix. Now it's not instant and I'm irritated and I can't make a decision about anything. And no, the candy isn't enough. I still want ice cream. I don't know what I'd get at Baskin Robbins. Sonic doesn't appeal to me anymore. Maybe we should just go to Dairy Queen, there are less options there.

Sweetie: Yes, but they're more expensive.

Me: True. And I don't have any coupons.

Brain: Just pull out of the parking space. You have to turn left for Sonic or Dairy Queen. Baskin Robbins is in the lot. If you get the street and still haven't decided, then just go home.

*it's like my inner mom was giving an ultimatum to my cranky inner child*


I got to the street and turned to go home.

Sweetie: Where are we going now?!

Me: I couldn't decide so I'm just going home. If I can't make up my mind, then I must not want it as bad as I thought I did.

On our way home though, we passed an Apple Market (small grocery store) and I swung in. I instantly knew what I wanted.

Bing Cherries.

I saw them on sale here a few days ago. No wonder I couldn't choose the ice cream! It wasn't chocolate at all that I wanted, it was fruit! At this point, Sweetie's patience was being tried as well. I warned her that it was very likely that I'd walk in there and not end up getting anything. She said she was fine with that.

Of course, the Bing Cherries were not on sale anymore. Weekly specials end on Wednesday and this was Thursday. And of course, since my inner child has already been throwing a rip roaring hissy fit for the last half hour, I certainly didn't still want the cherries! Then I spotted the kiwi. Oh! Kiwi! I fondled about three quarters of the pile before giving up on finding any ripe ones that I could eat immediately. They'd all need to sit in a bag for at least one day. Sweetie tried her best to help, bless her heart.

Sweetie: They have plums on sale. They have apricots. Let's go see if they have ice cream on sale.

Me: I think I want cake. But not cake cake. Not zingers or cupcakes. I don't know, I want the taste of cake but not the texture. It doesn't make sense!

Sweetie was clearly nearing her own (much higher) patience threshold so as I veered to wander the cookie isle, she dropped back and picked up a magazine to look at and left me to figure it out alone.

Brain: Oh, generic oreos!
Oh, real oreos are on sale and only ten cents more than generic oreos!
Holy crap, when did oreos come out with so many kinds?! Berry, chocolate, vanilla/chocolate, mint, mocha... Oooooh Chewy Gooey Megafudge Chips Ahoy Fudge Filled soft cookies? Hmmmm. Yes - that's exactly what I want. And vanilla ice cream on top. THANK YOU for FINALLY figuring that OUT!!

There wasn't any vanilla left (I know, what?!) so I grabbed a cookies 'n cream and headed to pay. Sweetie saw my selection and claimed I'd completely lost my mind. I claimed I just needed some quiet time to myself to figure it out. I went home, put the cookies in a bowl and nuked them, then added a dollop of ice cream and enjoyed my treat. I felt better, thankfully, because at that point if I hadn't felt better I probably would have just cried myself to sleep out of pure irritation.

aka: PMS medication

Go Your Own Way

Am I alone in getting an instant Fleetwood Mac earbug whenever I hear someone say, "Go your own way"?

Earbugs really don't have anything to do with what I wanted to write about, but as is the nature of earbugs, they won't go away until you listen to the song. So here:

Okay, now that we've taken care of that ...

Sunday was a rough day for me. I pouted and wallowed and threw a 4-hour pity party. Then I started to write a blog post about what all had happened. My writing process involves blind and unfiltered purging, followed by a lot of editing. On posts like the one I started late Sunday afternoon, it becomes cathartic and I usually end up finding revelation followed by deleting the draft. This time though, I thought I'd share what happened.

"I know that I alone am responsible for how my day turns out. I can make a choice to dwell and wallow, or I can make a choice to acknowledge and deal with my disappointment and move on."

That was the moment when I realized the blog post was ready to be deleted. It seemed absolutely absurd to me to continue writing as if I'd already made the decision to wallow. As if I didn't still have plenty of the day left to make it better. So I deleted the post and stood up, determined to do something.

It still wasn't a great day. It was a major disappointment when compared to what I had looked forward to all week. But it was better than slugging on the couch pouting about what could have been. I staked up the tomato, eggplant, and pepper plants. I watered the garden. I split & replanted the onions (we'll see how that went in due time). I came back inside and set some pork chops in a marinade to make for dinner. Then I started this post.

I determined my own day. And that's better than letting circumstances determine my day. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't bad. I think that's worth acknowledging.

Emo

Sadness, surprise, happiness,
disgust, anger, fear

Facebook gave me a notice last night that a close friend had changed his relationship status to "Single". Within an hour, I received great news about a close friend that her chemotherapy is showing amazing progress.

My heart had gone from aching to elated within one hour.

Primal emotions are hella cool in that aspect. I didn't hear the good news and immediately reflect on the contradiction of the unfortunate news I'd heard earlier. It didn't even occur to me to wonder about it. I simply and instantly experienced joy. Just as I had simply and instantly experienced sadness prior to that.

One of the most difficult things for adults to do is to accept the instinctual emotion and go with it. Young children haven't learned yet to question their emotions. When they get angry or happy, no one doubts it. The howl of a scorned child is rattling, just as the glee of a giggling child is uplifting. Somewhere along the process of aging, we learn to try and mask our true emotions. Or we learn to analyze why we're feeling them. Or we try to force ourselves to feel differently. Then we can't figure out why everything is so complicated. We see children playing and wish for those days when we were so carefree and free spirited.

I think the free spirited presence we see in children, and often miss in ourselves, doesn't have to be missed. I think all it would take to "be a kid again" is to truly accept our emotions as they come. Here's the snag though: In order to re-program ourselves to allow that instinctual emotion to full fruition, we have to be conscious of the attempt to block it. If we're focusing on anything, it's no longer just happening, but instead being forced. How do you intentionally unblock an ingrained response to an instinctual emotion without blocking something else in the process? There's an unending thread of logic unraveling here that I'm going to ignore for the time being. I've made my point. However, if you happened to miss it among the zigging and zagging, it's that basic emotions - even though they are instinctual - are very complex yet so simple. And we should all let ourselves experience them fully more often.

Real Life

Sometimes I feel like I get too caught up in the virtual world. Some of the things that make social media (like Facebook and blogs) so likable are also the things that make it so detrimental to my connections in the real world. I can get on Facebook and see what my friends have been up to that day (if they are posting). Heck, sometimes I can even see pictures! It's as if I'm right there having the experience with them. Except, I'm not. It's a fact I often forget. Before the mass catch of social media, I spent a hell of a lot more face-time with friends.

Quite a bit has changed since then and I won't pretend to believe that social media gets all the blame for my withdrawal. When I get right down to it, when I'm honest about it, it's because I myself don't think about it. I don't find myself wondering how my friends are doing. Maybe because I just wait for them to update on Facebook. I don't think about hanging out with anyone. Maybe because I myself am not thinking about going out. What changed in my life that I don't even think of going out now? I keep coming back to Facebook. It's Facebook keeping me informed of my friend's events and it's Facebook (and blogs, to be fair) keeping me content when I'm bored at home.

Or is it?

Up until today, I had planned to take a hiatus from Facebook and blogs for the month of July. I believed that removing that shortcut to socializing would give me a much needed kickstart to rebuilding and maintaining the relationships in my life. Somewhere along the search for photo ideas (I was going to change my timeline photo to remind people they couldn't reach me there), I realized a spark of truth. Maybe this admission to myself is all I really need to motivate myself to change. Sure, the internet keeps me content but if it wasn't available what would I do? Would I call up a friend to hang out or just to talk?

The honest answer is no.

I would find a book to read or I would play one of the many instruments I've banished to hang lonely and untouched in the spare room for years. I would do one of the many crafts I've gathered supplies for but never started. I'd finish one of the many projects I've started over the years that have sat unfinished so long they almost seem to belong that way. I might do some work on the house or in the yard. I do very well at keeping myself entertained when the internet isn't available. And while I'd love to get back into those habits, that's not what this is about. What about my social habits is truly different between now and then?

Everything. When I lived in St. Joe, we were part of a group of friends that had a standing Saturday game night. Other than that, the majority of things we did with our friends was spur of the moment excursions or special occasions. We lived 10 minutes away from each other and didn't have to worry about how long to be gone because we didn't have a dog yet. It was easy. When we moved over an hour away, spur of the moment lost it's place. When the cost of gas outweighed our budget, we stopped attending the weekly game nights. We adopted Max and all of a sudden we had to make sure we weren't gone from the house for more than 8 hours. I took weekend night jobs. On top of that, our friends all had lives of their own that were changing as well. I am not the person who is going to call and invite myself over. I am the person to call and invite a friend over, but rarely with enough notice for a group of friends that now needs advance notice to make the trip. Even our local friends are about 20 minutes away in any given direction. So, I've identified the changes and the barriers. Now, what should I do to improve?

Here's what I've come up with so far:

• Talk with Sweetie about instituting a Sunday afternoon game day. Make sure all our friends know about it and realize that it is a recurring thing. Come if they can, leave when they want. Nothing fancy, just friends getting together.
• When I see a picture or update on Facebook that seems likely to have more story, or is just particularly funny, make a note to call the person who posted it instead of messaging.
• Plan to do more things during the week. Call or text friends and invite them to join.
• Resist the overall urge to check Facebook throughout the day. Create a list of friends to check first and then move on to the "Newsfeed". Don't spend more than an hour a day. Might try 30 minutes at lunch and 30 minutes before bed.
• Make phone number visible to friends on Facebook page.

And Now For Something Different

I'm thinking of trying a more varied format on here. I tend to focus very heavily on workouts when in reality, that's only 1-2% of my day!

My plan is two-fold. I want something to keep me in the habit of blogging and I want to create an outlet for other things going on in my life.

I will start blogging twice a week, on Wednesdays and Sundays (and maybe Thursday if I contribute to The William Morris Project over at the Pancakes & French Fries blog).