Emo

Sadness, surprise, happiness,
disgust, anger, fear

Facebook gave me a notice last night that a close friend had changed his relationship status to "Single". Within an hour, I received great news about a close friend that her chemotherapy is showing amazing progress.

My heart had gone from aching to elated within one hour.

Primal emotions are hella cool in that aspect. I didn't hear the good news and immediately reflect on the contradiction of the unfortunate news I'd heard earlier. It didn't even occur to me to wonder about it. I simply and instantly experienced joy. Just as I had simply and instantly experienced sadness prior to that.

One of the most difficult things for adults to do is to accept the instinctual emotion and go with it. Young children haven't learned yet to question their emotions. When they get angry or happy, no one doubts it. The howl of a scorned child is rattling, just as the glee of a giggling child is uplifting. Somewhere along the process of aging, we learn to try and mask our true emotions. Or we learn to analyze why we're feeling them. Or we try to force ourselves to feel differently. Then we can't figure out why everything is so complicated. We see children playing and wish for those days when we were so carefree and free spirited.

I think the free spirited presence we see in children, and often miss in ourselves, doesn't have to be missed. I think all it would take to "be a kid again" is to truly accept our emotions as they come. Here's the snag though: In order to re-program ourselves to allow that instinctual emotion to full fruition, we have to be conscious of the attempt to block it. If we're focusing on anything, it's no longer just happening, but instead being forced. How do you intentionally unblock an ingrained response to an instinctual emotion without blocking something else in the process? There's an unending thread of logic unraveling here that I'm going to ignore for the time being. I've made my point. However, if you happened to miss it among the zigging and zagging, it's that basic emotions - even though they are instinctual - are very complex yet so simple. And we should all let ourselves experience them fully more often.

Summertime Fun!

Sweetie and I have been getting out more despite the scorching temperatures. We didn't really start doing much until mid-June, but here's the recap of that busy final two weeks!

We attended the Heart of America Shakespeare Festival and saw Midsummer Night's Dream. We picked a weeknight, invited a bunch of people, and packed some fancy crackers, cheese, & a cheap (but delicious!) bottle of wine. We really have the best group of friends! The evening was full of conversation and laughter.  We're hoping to go back before it ends in mid-July to see Antony and Cleopatra.

We joined a Meetup group to help Max with his doggie socialization issues. The Pittie Pack is the best group we could have hoped to find. It was formed to create a safe environment for leash-reactive foster dogs to learn how to be around other dogs in a pack environment. They are sympathetic and not judgmental, which is what we love about it. I just want to crawl into a shell when Max lunges at the end of his leash at neighborhood dogs during our evening walks. I feel like our neighbors think he's some sort of vicious dog, when really he's just completely freaked out about other animals. So far, we're having to walk about 20 feet behind the group during the walks and even with that, Max is constantly pulling and/or attempting to lunge. He doesn't bark unless we get too close for his comfort though, which is improvement. I'm optimistic that eventually, we'll be able to walk closer to the pack and socialize with the people. It might be a year or so, but I think he'll get there.

A few people I knew were putting on a production of Pippi Longstockings through The Theatre for Young America. One of them gave out a bunch of free tickets to try and help fill up seats for a particularly slow day and I snatched up five of them. We went with my mom, neice, and nephew. My neice got quite a kick out of it. Her giggling was contagious! My nephew was very interested in the backstage tour that we got to experience, and also thrilled that he got to talk to one of the actors. I later told my friends (pictured above) that the scene where Pippi gets the "official document" stating her dad was presumed dead made Sweetie and I both cry. Like, real streaming tears cry. They were thrilled that they did such a good job, LOL

My mother invited us to a Royals game with some of her coworkers. United Way had given out a bunch of tickets so all we had to pay for was parking. My parents didn't end up being able to come due to a last-minute snafu but insisted we go and have a great time for them. We chatted up the entire game with a friend we hadn't seen in too long and had an overall great time! The Royals won against the Rays but I really dont' think that would have mattered!

Last Wednesday, I was on my way home from work and got a flat tire while on the inner lane of a 3-lane highway. I did make it to the shoulder but ruined the tire doing so. I'd been looking forward to joining our friends at "Supper Club" all month so I got right to work fixing it up. In 100+ (before heat index), khaki pants and flip flops, I set about kicking the lug wrench to loosen the nuts. I found out after removing the flat that the car wasn't jacked up high enough for the spare to go on. And it wasn't going to get any higher either. I have since learned from a few more experienced people that this is common with bottle jacks. Here I was, trying to buy the bottle jack to save me time and effort during my next flat - when all I'd managed to do was delay the process. Luckily, I was about a 10-minute drive from home. I called Sweetie and she drove out to meet me with her scissor jack, which would get the car up high enough to finish the job. While I waited on Sweetie, I climbed up the hillside and found a good shade tree to sit under. I was upset and angry that I was missing Supper Club. I was stressing about how much I'd have to spend to fix the tire the next morning. I was seconds away from letting a hiccup of crying begin when a sort of calm came over me. I thought, "eh, I should just calm down and sit here and enjoy sitting in the shaded grass. I'm fortunate that I didn't lose control or get stuck on the inner lane. I'm fortunate that Sweetie was available to bring me another jack. I'll just sit here and freaking relax." That lasted about 3 minutes, then the ants started biting. Really tiny, itty bitty, black ants. I had no idea how ferocious the little buggers could be! I started out just flicking them away but quickly realized they were swarming me. They were pinching away at my toes, ankles, lower back and neck. I was determined to continue with my forced relaxation though, so I just moved to another tree. However this time, instead of sitting, I squatted. I wasn't there long enough for my feet to get tired from squatting - maybe 2 minutes or so, when a wasp came and chased me away. Apparently it wasn't my calling to relax just then. When Sweetie showed up, I breathed a long sigh of relief and climbed down the hill to finish getting the spare on and head home.

Thursday, we had friends over for dinner. Sweetie made ribs in the the crockpot, which she then glazed with barbecue sauce and broiled just before we ate. They were freaking delicious! She also had whipped up a pasta salad and some ears of fresh sweet corn. Our friends brought dessert in the form of oreo fluff. All around, a delicious evening. We had a lot of catching up to do with them and talked around the table all evening.

Friday, we had more friends over for dinner. Sweetie grilled steaks, made some french bread, a scalloped potato dish and some steamed broccoli. Our friends came from out of town but insisted on bringing something. We ended up with appetizers, wine, and a key lime pie. More friends showed up later and brought a DQ ice cream cake just in time for me to leave for work. I had a slice shoved into a cup and took it with me - I was NOT going to miss out on a DQ cake!

Saturday, we got up earlier than usual to head out for my sister's wedding. The ceremony wasn't until 2:00 but I was needed during the 11:00 rehearsal since I was in charge of starting & stopping the music. Sweetie dropped me off and headed out to get some sewing toys. The entire day is kind of a cluster of images and flighty events until about 5pm, which is when we headed to St. Joseph for a barbecue and visiting with family who had driven in for the wedding. Once again, just as I'm settling into some good fun and conversation, the clock reminds me it's time to leave for work. I packed up some food for the road and gave hugs all around.

Sunday, we crashed. Sweetie took a 3 hour nap while I watched the entire first season of The IT Crowd on Netflix. I had key lime pie and french bread for lunch. After Sweetie woke up, we decided dinner would be ice cream and popcorn while we watched the original Moulin Rouge. The movie was horrendous, but it was nice to just sit back and do nothing.

We definitely spent more time in real life those last weeks of June! It might have seemed a bit much all at once but I enjoyed every minute of it. July 8th starts our Sunday gathering day and I've got a few messages out to people for other get-togethers. And after this post, I realize I need to take more pictures while I'm out there living it up!

Real Life

Sometimes I feel like I get too caught up in the virtual world. Some of the things that make social media (like Facebook and blogs) so likable are also the things that make it so detrimental to my connections in the real world. I can get on Facebook and see what my friends have been up to that day (if they are posting). Heck, sometimes I can even see pictures! It's as if I'm right there having the experience with them. Except, I'm not. It's a fact I often forget. Before the mass catch of social media, I spent a hell of a lot more face-time with friends.

Quite a bit has changed since then and I won't pretend to believe that social media gets all the blame for my withdrawal. When I get right down to it, when I'm honest about it, it's because I myself don't think about it. I don't find myself wondering how my friends are doing. Maybe because I just wait for them to update on Facebook. I don't think about hanging out with anyone. Maybe because I myself am not thinking about going out. What changed in my life that I don't even think of going out now? I keep coming back to Facebook. It's Facebook keeping me informed of my friend's events and it's Facebook (and blogs, to be fair) keeping me content when I'm bored at home.

Or is it?

Up until today, I had planned to take a hiatus from Facebook and blogs for the month of July. I believed that removing that shortcut to socializing would give me a much needed kickstart to rebuilding and maintaining the relationships in my life. Somewhere along the search for photo ideas (I was going to change my timeline photo to remind people they couldn't reach me there), I realized a spark of truth. Maybe this admission to myself is all I really need to motivate myself to change. Sure, the internet keeps me content but if it wasn't available what would I do? Would I call up a friend to hang out or just to talk?

The honest answer is no.

I would find a book to read or I would play one of the many instruments I've banished to hang lonely and untouched in the spare room for years. I would do one of the many crafts I've gathered supplies for but never started. I'd finish one of the many projects I've started over the years that have sat unfinished so long they almost seem to belong that way. I might do some work on the house or in the yard. I do very well at keeping myself entertained when the internet isn't available. And while I'd love to get back into those habits, that's not what this is about. What about my social habits is truly different between now and then?

Everything. When I lived in St. Joe, we were part of a group of friends that had a standing Saturday game night. Other than that, the majority of things we did with our friends was spur of the moment excursions or special occasions. We lived 10 minutes away from each other and didn't have to worry about how long to be gone because we didn't have a dog yet. It was easy. When we moved over an hour away, spur of the moment lost it's place. When the cost of gas outweighed our budget, we stopped attending the weekly game nights. We adopted Max and all of a sudden we had to make sure we weren't gone from the house for more than 8 hours. I took weekend night jobs. On top of that, our friends all had lives of their own that were changing as well. I am not the person who is going to call and invite myself over. I am the person to call and invite a friend over, but rarely with enough notice for a group of friends that now needs advance notice to make the trip. Even our local friends are about 20 minutes away in any given direction. So, I've identified the changes and the barriers. Now, what should I do to improve?

Here's what I've come up with so far:

• Talk with Sweetie about instituting a Sunday afternoon game day. Make sure all our friends know about it and realize that it is a recurring thing. Come if they can, leave when they want. Nothing fancy, just friends getting together.
• When I see a picture or update on Facebook that seems likely to have more story, or is just particularly funny, make a note to call the person who posted it instead of messaging.
• Plan to do more things during the week. Call or text friends and invite them to join.
• Resist the overall urge to check Facebook throughout the day. Create a list of friends to check first and then move on to the "Newsfeed". Don't spend more than an hour a day. Might try 30 minutes at lunch and 30 minutes before bed.
• Make phone number visible to friends on Facebook page.